


Sick Cycle Carousel

by Nadja_Lee



Series: Let's Talk About Alec [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Abused Alec Lightwood, Abusive Parents, Alec Lightwood-centric, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Homophobia, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Punishment, Sad Alec Lightwood, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Sacrificing Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:02:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22316014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Someone has to pay for all those unsanctioned missions Jace talked the team into doing when Clary first arrived. That someone is Alec of course.Maryse arrives to address this matter. Using a mixture of scorn and praise, punishment and encouragement, push and pull, Maryse tries to keep manipulating Alec into staying her loyal soldier and make him forget about a certain Warlock he has met.Takes place just after Clary arrived when Maryse first arrives at the Institute.Part 1 of the Let's talk about Alec series which details child abuse and how to recover from it to find love and happiness.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Let's Talk About Alec [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1606735
Comments: 64
Kudos: 1275





	Sick Cycle Carousel

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to Cindy for great beta work as always.  
> Story warnings: Referenced self-harm, child abuse - mental and physical, manipulation, homophobia, self-doubt and self-esteem issues.  
> This story is loosely inspired by the song “Sick Cycle Carousel” by Lifehouse.  
> 

**Please read chapter notes for story warnings**

Thanks so much to Regina Danica Villa Bibit for the amazing series banner.  


# Sick Cycle Carousel

Alec took a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he opened the door to the office of the head of the institute.

“Alexander, come closer,” Maryse told her son, rising from the chair behind the desk to come stand in front of it instead, giving him a serious look.

Alec tried not to show his nervousness and uncertainty as he walked towards her.

“Ma’am,” Alec said formally, clashing his hands behind his back, standing at attention before her.

It helped somewhat; he could now squeeze his hands tightly together and she couldn’t see it. It helped him project an outer aura of calm.

Maryse’s eyes narrowed as she looked at him.

“What is this I am hearing about Jace? He isn’t here?” she asked disapprovingly.

Alec shook his head, fighting not to wince. Of course, she knew what had been going on here. Damn; Clary entering their lives was really starting to become a major problem for him. He just hoped the Clave and therefore by extension Maryse wouldn’t be too upset with him.

Alec shook his head slightly as he replied, forcing his voice to remain calm and even, “No, ma’am.”

”Where is he then?” she snapped in irritation.

“He is investigating a lead for the Mortal Cup,” Alec replied evasively.

It was kind of true though it was more like he was following Clary around like a puppy dog. What was it with this girl anyway? She wasn’t even that beautiful. Was she? He wasn’t sure. He had never really looked at women like that.

“Oh, well. He knows what he is doing,” Maryse said with a smile. “He always was such a perfect soldier,” she added with satisfaction and pride that Idris’ best warrior was associated with her family and name.

Alec nodded and the words didn’t sting…much. He was used to it; Jace was the best warrior; the perfect soldier. He knew that; everyone knew that. Since Jace had come to live with them when he had been ten, all he had ever heard was how perfect Jace was and soon Alec had known nothing else and had admired and almost worshipped the younger boy like a God.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Maryse’ eyes became cold and hard, her lips pulled together in a thin line.

“Unlike you,” Maryse said with disappointment. Her own flesh and blood…how could he be such a disappointment? Izzy sometimes acted up – she knew her daughter was sleeping around with Downworlders – but when it came down to it, Izzy was strong. She was a warrior. A Lightwood. Additionally, she was the apple of her father’s eye. Robert had spoiled the girl with gifts and affection but to Maryse’ pleasure she hadn’t gone soft. Sometimes she had scowled at Izzy for her sexual escapades but she didn’t worry overly much. It was ok to have casual sex with Downworlders; as long as it wasn’t more and she was certain it wasn’t. Izzy knew better than that.

Alec recoiled as if stung; her words making him wince internally. His eyes took on that look of worry and vulnerability that always only managed to enrage Maryse even more, seeing it as a sign of weakness.

“Ma’am?” Alec asked softly, puzzled, a hint of pain in his voice he couldn’t quite hide.

”You have engaged in a lot of unsanctioned missions. The Clave has taken notice,” Maryse said darkly, disapproval and a clear warning in her tone.

They couldn’t afford failure. They couldn’t afford upsetting the Clave. Alec should know better than that.

Alec took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Of course they had. He had warned Jace and Izzy; he had told them it would end badly. But as always when they wanted something they didn’t listen to him. But then again why should they? They were never here to know of the consequences and Alec would never tell them. He had given in after all so he would have to face the fallout from his decisions.

“Yes, ma’am,” Alec acknowledged, looking her in the eye, trying to remain calm.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” Maryse asked, her voice sharp as a whip.

“Jace and Izzy really wanted to…” Alec started to explain.

He was cut off as Maryse’s hand made contact with his chin, his head flying to the side. Though she rarely engaged in active combat any longer, she sure hit hard.

“Never shirk away from your responsibility, Alexander. That’s a sign of weakness,” she reproved him harshly, waving a warning finger in front of his face.

Alec fought the urge to take a hand to his burning cheek.

“Yes, ma’am,” he acknowledged, fighting an embarrassed blush at his failure.

“So no explanation then?” Maryse concluded when he stayed silent, her eyes cold and judgmental.

Alec’s lips were a thin line and he tried to remain calm and not think about what would come next as he replied, “No, ma’am.”

”I thought not,” she said dissatisfied and sighed. Her expression softened somewhat. “Alexander, I am disappointed with you.”

Alec couldn’t keep the pain from showing in his eyes and face as he replied softly, meekly, “Yes, Mother.”

“Why are you acting like this? Unsanctioned missions, disregarding standard protocols and standing orders? You should know better than that,” Maryse asked puzzled, critically.

Alec winced at that.

“I…I don’t know,” he replied softly, helplessly.

Of course Alec did know why; Jace had wanted to and Alec had never been able to say no to him. He had lost count of the amount of times he had had to face the music for Jace’s decisions but Alec was determined to bear it and Jace had never been the wiser.

“Alec, you have to pull yourself together. You are bringing shame upon us all,” Maryse said with an annoyed sigh at this mess he was making.

“I…I’m sorry, Mother,” Alec said weakly, unsure what to do to fix this.

Maryse folded her hands over her chest and regarded him coldly.

“Your unsanctioned missions. There has to be a penalty,” she said matter of fact.

Alec nodded grimly, having expected as much. Why hadn’t anyone listened to him?

“I will take it. It is my team, my responsibly,” he said in a strong voice as he looked her in the eyes.

They had played this game many times before and it always went the same way; she mentioned an action had to be punished and Alec quickly offered to take it; it was his siblings and his team. It was his responsibility and he would do anything to protect them.

That finally made her expression and voice soften, “Good boy.”

Alec smiled joyfully at the praise; she so rarely gave him praise. He wanted to keep ensuring she did that and would almost do anything to get her to keep smiling at him, keep telling him that he had done well. He could almost count on two hands the amount of praise his parents had given him during his upbringing and it made him desperate to get it now.

“Thank you, Mother,” he said, his eyes warm as he looked at her.

Maryse got serious again as she said thoughtfully, “So…how should you be punished?”

“Whatever you and the Clave find suitable,” Alec said evenly, proud of himself for how calmly he was able to say it. Inwardly he was fighting back fear; punishment for something like unsanctioned missions would be severe. This was not just Jace or Izzy missing a meeting or being late or something. This was disobedience - borderline rebellion - and punishments for even small offences were painful enough.

“Very good,” she praised, her eyes holding a note of warmth and Alec’s heart almost burst with joy at her praise.

She was thoughtful for a moment and then walked around him in a circle, looking at him carefully. Alec forcing himself to stand still and not try and follow her with his eyes though her action made him feel even more nervous and unsure, awaiting to hear what punishment he would get and silently praying it wouldn’t be too bad.

“We need you in fighting condition with Valentine on the loose,” she mused aloud as she walked around him, looking him up and down as if he was a tool or object she was considering how to use.

Having thought about it for a few seconds she then decided on the perfect punishment for his disobedience. She came to a halt in front of him and looked at him coldly.

“The agony rune for two hours. You can draw it yourself in your room after our meeting; I will clear your schedule for four hours so I expect you can pull yourself together afterwards,” she said with a warning clear in her voice.

Alec was a Lightwood. If he couldn’t recover in two hours she would need to teach him yet another lesson in endurance and strength. She would see to it that he became the best leader and warrior possible even if she had to break him down and built him back up over and over again. Her time serving Valentine as his close ally during the uprising had been well spent; she knew how to ensure she got the reactions from people she wanted and it had given her an iron will unmatched by most.

Alec paled a bit; he hated the agony rune so much. Maryse had taken to punishing him using the rune when he had turned 13. Sometimes he would still receive corporal punishments but for larger offences Maryse now only used the agony rune as it was much more efficient. At first she had drawn the rune on his skin but quickly she had ordered him to do it himself. He remembered doing it the first time; his hands had shook so badly he had had to redo it five times and his cheeks had been wet with tears as he anticipated the agony he would soon feel. By now he could draw the rune flawlessly the first time and the tears only fell when the pain became so unbearable they were forced from him. He was grateful these days she didn’t stay and watch the punishment; the humiliation at knowing his mother would see him weak, see him give into the pain with his tears and his screams had been almost as bad as the pain inflected by the rune.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said softly, fighting now to maintain eye contact. He hesitated but had to ask, “Physical or mental?”

Alec hated how weak his voice sounded, how it held a light tremble, how his hands behind his back were shaking slightly at the knowledge of the pain to come.

Maryse didn’t have to think long about her answer.

“Both; I think you need to reflect on your failings during the last couple of days that have led you here,” Maryse said coldly, giving him a piercing and disappointed look.

She had learned long ago that physical punishment alone rarely gave the results she wanted or needed. A mental component was necessary. She had spent her life molding Alec into the perfect soldier and she knew she had to deliver swift and immediate punishment at any sign of disobedience as that could be the first signs of betrayal. She had learned this lesson from Valentine and she had learned it well. If she just played her cards right then Alec would stay completely loyal and obedient to her and he would carry out her dreams and visions for her family; restore the family name and bring power and honor to them all.

Alec visibly paled at her reply but forced himself to reply, “Yes.”

The physical pain the rune brought was excruciating. The rune started small and then grew in intensity. Often it started with bruises forming on his skin as if from a beating and then other things would be added; cuts as if from knives or swords, burn marks, lashes as if from a whip. The rune gave the physical injuries and the pain to his body without any physical weapons being involved. The start of the rune was mostly predictable; the feeling of being mercilessly beaten – first by one assailant and then steadily more. However, after that it was random. He was certain the rune had bene designed like this because the randomness added to the terror of the experience; the uncertainty of what would come next.

However, he hated the mental component of the rune the most. The mental component, when activated, would make him relive his worst memories and worst fears as if they were real and taking place right now. They would replay on a loop over and over again in his mind’s eyes. All of his failings, all the times he had disappointed his parents, his mother’s disapproving look…and all of his fears of disappointing them, of people discovering how he felt about Jace, discovering what he deep inside knew to be true; that he wasn’t into girls sexually. Fear of being punished for all of those things with abandonment, de-runing….all of those fears he would relive as if they were real and after the punishment the memories would persist. Even if he logically knew it had never happened he would now recall his fear coming alive as if it was a memory.

The first time Maryse had added the mental component he had been a shivering, babbling, crying mess for two days. He had only come out of it by Maryse’s special type of tough love. She had ordered him to stop being a baby, belittled him for his weakness and told him she knew he could do better, to be a Lightwood and stop being so fucking sensitive. Be a man. Pull himself together. He had finally been able to do that and carry on with his duties.

However, each time she had added the mental component it had left him with self-doubt and self-hatred for days. Often the only way he could end those feelings and get his mind to return to a state of equilibrium would be to exercise to such an excess he would bruise his fingers and body, sometimes even break his fingers as he worked on the Wing Chun wooden dummy exercise tool over and over again. The physical pain would help with his internal feelings and he would leave the injuries to heal the Mundane way. As the pain would slowly fade he would be able to continue and push the whole ordeal to the back of his mind. However, the feeling of self-doubt always lingered so when he walked into a room he never expected to be seen. He looked to Jace like everyone looked to Jace; the golden boy and the best warrior of his generation.

“Ensure you draw the rune so it fades on its own after the two hours are up,” Maryse reminded him matter of fact and he nodded in acknowledgement.

“A shame you need that. I am certain a soldier as strong as Jace would be able to deactivate the rune himself and not need such support,” Maryse mused aloud, her eyes reflecting her pride and love for the other boy.

Maryse’s expression harden as she added pointedly, “But then we will never know as we have never needed to punish Jace in all the time he has been with us, have we?”

“No, mother. Not even once. Jace has always performed well,” Alec acknowledged quietly, looking down in embarrassment.

Jace had been perfect from the day he had arrived; he was a true soldier. He had outperformed even his own instructors from his first training session and had corrected his performance the very first day he had seen him despite him being the oldest. His parents had loved Jace, praised him, from the day he had joined the family. He had been the strong and perfect son they had always wanted; Alec was the one who kept fucking up and disappointing them.

“Yes, he has,” Maryse agreed proudly. Then she added with disappointment, “But we have had to punish you quite often, haven’t we?”

Alec nodded, a lump in his throat, his cheeks red from embarrassment, “Yes, Mother.”

She looked at him, her gaze travelling up and down his body as if evaluating him.

“Tell me, how often just this year has it been?” she asked almost conversationally.

She knew well of course how many times it had been but she also knew - another lesson she had learnt from Valentine - that humiliation was a great teacher.

“This would be the 17th time, counting everything,” Alec admitted softly, his eyes lowered to the floor, his cheeks flushed with shame and embarrassment at being reminded of his failings. His failings and thus his punishments varied in degree; a few failings this year had only resulted in him being given what he considered mild punishments like being on clean up duty, pulling several all-nighters in a row (made possible by continued use of runes like the stamina rune), been given boring and repetitive tasks or been sent to his room for days without food. Others had resulted in physical punishment of some kind. This was only the fourth time this year it had been so bad Maryse had decided to use the agony rune on him.

She took a bruising grip on his cheek, her eyes filled with disappointment, forcing him to look at her, his eyes huge and he was fighting to withhold tears. Seeing this made her anger flare, fighting her disappointment for dominance in her expression.

“Yes…we are not even halfway through the year yet,” she said coldly.

She released him with a sigh, her grip having left marks on his skin.

She forced herself to calm down as she added, “Well, at least it is less than last year. You do seem to improve a little every year. Mostly.”

“Thank you, Mother,” Alec said gratefully, happy and relieved she had noticed that.

He did get fewer punishments year by year, as he became stronger, ever loyal, ever obedient. It brought him hope he could do this; hope that one day she might be truly proud of him.

Maryse nodded at that but then said in a serious and dark tone, “There is one more thing we need to talk about.”

“Yes?” Alec questioned nervously.

He couldn’t think of other things he had done wrong recently. His mind started racing as he went over the few weeks since he has seen his mother last. What had he done? He should know it. He should know it when he did wrong. He had known going on the unsanctioned missions had been wrong. What else had he done wrong? Damn, he did end up fucking everything up all the time, didn’t he?

“I heard you spent the night at the High Warlock’s place the other day,” Maryse said disapprovingly.

Alec winced. Of course, she would know that. The whole Institute has likely talked about it. He had just stayed after Magnus had healed Luke and everyone had left to try and help the warlock. That was why. He wasn’t interested interested. That would be wrong and he wouldn’t disobey. He would be good. He would make his parents proud. Yet Magnus was so handsome and charming. He had never met anyone like him before. He was fascinating. More than that…Magnus saw him. He noticed him. No one noticed him. He truly seemed to care whether Alec was happy. No one expect Izzy had talked about his happiness before. It hadn’t been relevant.

“I didn’t…we….” He stammered, blushing furiously, wanting to explain nothing had happened.

“I don’t care,” she snapped harshly, cutting him off.

Alec shut his mouth instantly and looked down in shame.

Maryse gave him a piercing look. She was well aware of his….leanings and she was determined to beat this weakness out of him as well. He would learn to act strong and proper; like a real man. Like a son should. She would ensure he didn’t fail by any means necessary.

“You are not to see him or interact with him unless in a professional capacity, understand?” Maryse ordered sharply, putting enough warning in her voice for him to know disobeying her would be very very painful and dangerous for him.

Alec nodded, feeling something he had never felt before. He felt…torn suddenly. He felt a surge of anger, dare he even say hate, towards his mother. He wanted to see Magnus again. It was almost like a physical need. No one had ever made him smile like Magnus did. Why should she ruin that? She would never be proud of him anyway. Nothing he did would ever be good enough anyway.

Alec quickly strangled those feelings. No! He would not fail now. He would make his mother proud. He could do this!

“Yes, of course, ma’am,” Alec agreed, fighting to keep his voice calm.

Why did it hurt so much inside to give this promise? He knew she was right. He knew this was how it was meant to be. Why did it hurt so much? Why did he feel like crying? Why did he feel like he had just agreed to a fate worse than death?

Maryse nodded in approval.

“Good. We don’t want anyone to think you might be….broken,” she added, her tone making it clear she was warning him not to give in to his impulses.

Alec blushed in embarrassment and quickly nodded agreement, feeling shame wash over him again.

“No, of course not,” he quickly agreed.

“Good,” she said, her tone warm now, satisfied.

Her warmth made Alec relax a bit and made him more determined to be good, to do what was right.

“Was that all, ma’am?” Alec asked formally, fighting to keep a calm and neutral expression.

He was not looking forward to starting his punishment but he would rather go now and get it over with than wait. Besides, he would rather bear a thousand agony runes than see further disappointment and scorn in her face.

She eyed him thoughtfully.

“Alexander, you know I **only** say these things because I believe you can do better. You are a Lightwood, my oldest son. Our family name and honor rests with you. I just want you to be the best you can be. You understand that, right?” she asked in a serious voice, a hint of warmth in the words.

Alec nodded, her words making him sure he could do this. He wouldn’t fail this time. He would be good.

“Yes, mother, of course.”

“Good,” she praised and reached out a hand to touch his cheek, her expression warm and soft.

Alec instinctively moved back just an inch as it was his still stingy cheek from where she had hit him. He quickly moved his head back in position for her touch, embarrassed he had pulled away. He tensed but she just stroked his cheek tenderly. He closed his eyes for a second and leaned into the soft touch, enjoying it.

When Maryse withdrew her hand Alec looked at her with a strong look, warmth at her words anc soft touch fueling his determination.

“I **will** do better. I won’t fail,” Alec promised.

Maryse’s expression hardened and her tone became harsh as she replied, “See that you don’t. You don’t like these punishments and I don’t like delivering them.”

Alec winced and nodded dutifully, “Yes, ma’am.”

“And, Alexander, if you are to continue this foolishness of hurting yourself then be sure to cover it up properly. No one wants to be around someone who does something like that. It’s just pathetic and weak!” She scowled as she pulled his right sleeve further down to hide the edges of the thin red lines from a razor blade on his skin.

Alec blushed a deep red. Normally he could take the edge off by over exercising and leaving those injuries to just heal naturally. However, sometimes the internal pain and turmoil became so strong he had to add another dimension, something else. He had started cutting himself, mainly on his thighs and arms, with a razor blade when he had been 13, just after the first time Maryse had used the mental component of the agony rune on him. Seeing the blood, feeling the pain…it helped ground him, calm him.

“Sorry, mother,” he mumbled weakly, looking down.

“Jace would never do something so weak. I thought you would outgrow this silliness. You are too old to want attention like this,” Maryse scolded him, her voice filled with annoyance and irritation.

Alec nodded again, fighting to find his voice, wanting to die of embarrassment right here and now and silently wishing she would dismiss him. The agony rune seemed a better prospect than listening to more of this.

“Yes, sorry, mother,” he repeated brokenly.

She sighed and said in a dismissive tone, letting it go for now, “Fine.”

“Anything else?” he got out, forcing himself to meet her gaze, fighting tears.

Maryse shook her head, her voice and expression again neutral and professional.

“No, that’s all. I will clear your calendar for the next four hours starting now,” she told him matter of fact.

Alec hesitated, feeling weak for even considering to ask but had to.

“If the four hours…?” he started to ask softly, hesitantly, his voice shaking, blushing as he spoke from the embarrassment.

Maryse gave him a cold look.

“You **will** be ready after that. I don’t care if you have to use every rune that exist for added strength and endurance, Mundane stimuli or anything else. I will **not** have a weakling in this family. Four hours!” She said harshly, leaving no room for argument.

Alec nodded, his fingers drawing blood from his hands behind his back as he fought to stay strong. He could do this.

“Yes, ma’am.”

He nodded at her as he turned to go, fighting to control the shaking in his body, fighting to keep his mind empty. He had to just focus on getting past these next few hours. After that he would be ok. Jace wouldn’t notice; he was busy with Clary and maybe most importantly then Jace just didn’t want to know about these things. Izzy didn’t know what was going on and he had long ago made the promise to himself that she never would. However, she would become concerned if he couldn’t keep it together. He would have to ensure he appeared strong and in control after the four hours were up; he couldn’t have her see how weak he had been, how he had failed again.

“Alexander,” Maryse said softly as he was by the door.

He tensed and stopped but didn’t turn around, aware he was close to tears and was barely holding it together now.

“Yes?” he asked softly, annoyed his voice was so weak and held an edge of fear.

Alec silently prayed she wouldn’t address his self injuries again. He **needed** that to survive. He felt it was weak and he had hated her scorn just now but he couldn’t stop. He **needed** it to survive.

“You know I only do this because I love you, right? You need to be the best,” Maryse’s voice was soft and warm now, tender.

Alec almost smiled, calmed a little by hearing that, warmth filling his heart and soul at her words and the tenderness in her tone.

“Yes. I love you too, mother. Thank you,” he said softly, tears falling down his cheeks as he exited the office.

Alec quickly went to his room, locking the door behind him and adding both silencing and locking runes before he effortlessly carved the agony rune into his skin, adding the time limit for two hours and ensuring it both had the physical and mental component Maryse had ordered. He barely winced as he did it; he barely felt it now when he carved the rune. Maryse’s words of love made his hand shake less when he activated the rune, his expression determined despite the tears.

He could do this. He would make his mother proud.

Yet…even as the physical pain was at its highest the worst part of this punishment was the fear the mental component showed him. The fear of never seeing Magnus again. The fear of Magnus rejecting him, hating him, belittling him. Despite all his past failings and punishments, his past fears and doubts, the fear the agony rune showed him regarding Magnus was the one thing that almost broke him.

With great difficulty he was on his feet and ready for action again four hours later. He had activated all the runes he possibly could to keep himself going but it hadn’t been enough. Luckily, as he knew he was too weak otherwise, he also had a secret stash of Mundane stimuli and he had taken everything he could get his hands on.

Jace had still not come back from his mission with Clary but Magnus had texted him. He had forced himself to ignore it and had again felt this weird pang of pain in his heart.

That night, when he used his razor to try to calm down, try to get the images the agony rune had shown him out of his mind, it was the idea of never seeing Magnus again in any way other than professional that had him cut the deepest.

The End

Continues in part 2; Magnus to the rescue!

**Author's Note:**

> You would make my day if you would leave a comment. Or kudos if you are shy - or do both and make me worship you as a god! ;)  
> I wanted a story that detailed the complexity of the bond between a child and a parent and how fucked up it can become. I hope this story comes off as real and raw. Loving a parent, or not loving them, is not always an easy black and white decision. People are rarely 100% bad or 100% good and in my experience, people who are mean to you often think they are doing the right thing. That's what makes it difficult.  
> Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it and as mentioned I would love to hear from you.


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